KATIE BROWN - 27 NOV 2020

“Who am I? Somebody. Who am I? Nobody. Who am I? Somebody. Who am I? Everybody.”

This line from ‘Do I Exist’, the fourth track from Anna Coddington’s fourth studio album Beams, out today via Loop Recordings, perfectly sums up the album’s journey through the collection of songs. On the one hand, the phrase is the cry of an individual seeking out their identity. On the other, it’s a hand held out to the listener, acknowledging that the experiences the album addresses are universal, whether, as Anna says, “feeling overwhelmed or tired or lost or in love.”

When I sat down to listen through the album in full, what struck me was the contrast between its playful, upbeat feel, and Anna’s lyrics, which see her wrestling relentlessly with the intricacies of being Māori, a mother, a woman, an artist and simply human. Anna describes the final track, ‘Remember Me’, as a ‘happy realisation in the clothes of a sad reflection,’ and this duality is what makes the album so refreshingly gripping. Beneath the lightness is the evidence of a struggle that is extremely relatable. Through her songwriting Anna is able to take this messiness, hold it in her hands, consider it from every angle, and to see and show what is beautiful in it with her signature playfulness.

‘Beams’ is out now on all platforms via Loop Recordings.

Find Anna on: Website | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter

Read the interview and listen to the album below.

KATIE: IF YOU COULD SUM UP ‘BEAMS’ IN THREE WORDS, WHAT WOULD THEY BE?

Anna: “Life, oh life”. That’s a cruel thing to ask anyone to do to their album! Reduce it to 3 words. Impossible! Though actually life, oh life comes quite close...

‘BEAMS’ IS PRODUCED BY STEPH BROWN AND FEN IKNER, AKA ‘LIPS’. THE TITLE TRACK FEATURES LOUIS BAKER, AND WELLINGTON ARTIST GRETA MENZIES PRODUCED THE COVER ART. HOW DID YOU FIND THE PROCESS OF WORKING COLLABORATIVELY?

I loved it. I was very deliberate in who I chose to work with. Steph I asked to produce as she is a mum too and that was such a big part of the kaupapa. Her and Fen have two small boys like me so they got the material without me having to explain anything, and that was important for me because motherhood/parenthood is one of those things you can’t understand until you’ve experienced it. Same with Greta — she has 3 kids and got the songs straight away. And of course they all have such great style in their art form. I’m a fan of all of them so the process was great — it felt effortless, fun, cohesive, and honestly in some ways it was very healing too. And it was very exciting for me to hear the songs evolve so quickly. Usually the evolution is through my own painstaking efforts but to send it off and have it come back sounding great in ways I didn’t expect was so cool. Having Louis on that track is such an honour for me. He is a true artist and has a crazy beautiful voice so having him grace that track was amazing. He sent his vocal parts back and then I re-recorded all my vocal parts ha. They were too good! I should add that not all the songs are about parenting — there’s plenty else in there and to me even the songs that are become more universal. Feeling overwhelmed or tired or lost or in love — those feelings are something everyone experiences for various reasons so I hope it resonates with a good cross section of people.

“HE KĀKANO ĀHAU, E KORE AU E NGARO: I AM A SEED, I WILL NEVER BE LOST”

YOU CHANT THIS PHRASE THROUGHOUT THE ENDING OF ‘NIGHT CLASS’, AND IT RINGS OUT TO ME AS THE ESSENCE OF WHAT UNDERGIRDS ‘BEAMS’ – IN THE MIDST OF YOUR EXPLORATION OF IDENTITY, THERE’S A REAL STRENGTH IN A CERTAIN KNOWING AT SOME DEEPER, ESSENTIAL LEVEL WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND WHAT MATTERS TO YOU. HOW DO YOU VIEW THIS PHRASE, AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU?

Well, Night Class is about my journey — long and ongoing as it is — learning te reo Māori through kura pō / night classes. It’s a journey many Māori have been or are going through, and it’s not as straightforward as it sounds, or as I expected it to be. There are layers of language trauma, shame and other heavy stuff you end up wading through and all this emotional work that goes along with the linguistic work. Something I saw a lot of my classmates go through, and that myself and my friends have all experienced at some stage, is the shame of being Māori and not being able to speak Māori. The frustration. I think especially for Māori in those classes who see Pākeha students pick it up easier than them. And so many women like me — mums trying to support the language-learning of their kids in kohanga or kura Maori — tired and time poor, and not being able to get a sentence structure or follow what the teacher is saying — it’s just really hard. So, he kākano ahau, e kore au e ngaro is my affirmation of our right to exist as Māori in any and every context, and to not feel shame for what we don’t carry on our tongues because that’s not our fault. Colonisation and deliberate political efforts to stamp out te reo Māori are not our fault and actually taking that night class to support your kid’s reo is the most mana machine, super hero thing to do. And it’s so worth it as you pick it up and the kōrero at the kohanga drop off gradually becomes clearer and easier! I’ve always found it like many things — hard to get out the door and go there but really awesome once I’m there. And yes you’re correct in saying that holding tighter to that part of myself gives me strength. It does.

‘MAGNESIUM AND COFFEE’ SEES YOU REPEATING THE LINE “YOU LIVE ON YOUR KNEES OUT OF YOUR SELFISH NEED FOR SUFFERING”. HOW DOES MOTHERHOOD PLAY OUT INTO YOUR WORK, AND HOW IS IT COMBINING MOTHERHOOD WITH YOUR CREATIVITY AND ARTISTRY?

Magnesium & Coffee was written when I was at a low point. I was very, very, very, very tired. I haven’t yet used the term ‘post-natal depression’ but I think it could possibly be used of that time. I was feeling really overwhelmed by everything — small things, domestic things, work things — every time my phone rang I didn’t want to answer it and I felt unworthy of the wonderful life and beautiful children I had. I kept looking at it all and thinking “what have you got to be sad about?” and I think more widely it’s about the myth of the tortured artist — that you have to be emotionally low to get a creative high. I don’t believe that. So that line is me kind of chastising myself for being depressed and not having a good reason. But of course that’s what depression is. So to answer your question — it’s different all the time. At times it’s been really hard, especially in the early days when I was so tired and still clinging to this idea of “being an artist” and what that even meant. God knows what I thought it meant, but I was finding it hard to be that thing and be a mother at the same time. Now I have no question about it — I’m a mother. And also I write songs. I have to do a good job of both those things and sometimes I can do both at once and sometimes I can’t, and sometimes I don’t do a good job of one or the other because I’m human. Sometimes I have to put one away while I tend to the other but I’m always both of those things, and many more. Like anyone else, I just have to find the balance.

“IT’S EASY TO FALL OFF WHEN YOU’RE HIGH; TO LOSE YOUR CONFIDENCE AS YOU RISE” IS ANOTHER LINE FROM ‘MAGNESIUM AND COFFEE’ – DO YOU FIND THAT AS A WOMAN, AND ESPECIALLY AS A MOTHER, AMBITION AND HAVING THE COURAGE TO BE BOLD AND TAKE RISKS CAN FEEL LIKE EVEN MORE OF A BATTLE? IN WHAT SENSES DO YOU EXPERIENCE THIS?

Yes for sure. Imposter syndrome is a constant friend. I know everyone experiences this, but it’s becoming clearer that women in particular have been trained/socialised to consider the feelings of others before we hold ourselves up as amazing. This is slowly changing but you can’t argue with statistics and the numbers in my industry and many, many others are very clear. We need more diversity across the board, everywhere. Representation matters and benefits everyone.

‘PIROUETTE’ DEALS WITH THE DEEPER ISSUE OF FACING THE CONSEQUENCES OF ACTIONS. WITH THE CURRENT STATE OF THE ENVIRONMENT AND THE WORLD WE ARE LIVING IN AND SHAPING, ITS MESSAGE FEELS VERY PERTINENT. WHAT DROVE THE DIRECTION OF THIS TRACK, AND WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES IN LIGHT OF WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT?

My hope is that my children will be able to have children without being scared that they’ll be born into an uninhabitable world! I think we’re all distracted from climate change by Covid — I know I am! But we need to put the urgency back behind our efforts. That song is really about my fear that we won’t do enough for our kids. It’s about my desire to protect them, and knowing that my effort alone won’t be enough. It’s me hoping everyone has the same fear. I’m not doing enough now — I need to redouble my efforts — but I do try very hard to make wise decisions.

‘WE SEE YOU’ CONTAINS A CRUCIALLY IMPORTANT CULTURAL REFLECTION FOR THIS DAY AND AGE, BOTH WITHIN NEW ZEALAND AND ON A BROADER PLAIN. WHAT IS YOUR EXPERIENCE AROUND THIS?

My experience is the same as everyone’s I think — that we’re finally seeing what really goes on for people thanks to the necessary evil of social media. The song stemmed from an incident at Ihumātao — when the police came in at night and got heavy handed with the protectors there and it was caught on camera. Before that I had thought it was all going pretty good, everyone was being respectful. But I felt so betrayed by that action. That’s not my whenua, but when you really learn about what has happened there over time, it’s hard to not come down on the side of tangata whenua on that issue. So I just felt angry about that action. And just generally and on a global scale this song is just saying — we see you! Don’t be a dick, don’t be racist, don’t fucking kill a person because of their skin colour and your own ignorant fear. We will see it and we won’t accept it.

‘REMEMBER ME’ IS A BEAUTIFUL OUTRO TO THE ALBUM: IT’S SORROWFUL AND WISTFUL, BUT POIGNANT AND HOPEFUL AT THE SAME TIME. IT TIES BACK PERFECTLY TO THE PHRASE DISCUSSED EARLIER FROM ‘NIGHT CLASS’, SPEAKING TO THE ESSENCE OF WHO YOU ARE ON MANY LEVELS, AND THE JOURNEY OF FINDING AND EMBRACING THAT IDENTITY. WHAT DO YOU TREASURE FROM YOUR OWN BACKGROUND, AND WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO PASS ON?

Well, I think that song is a happy realisation in the clothes of a sad reflection. There are times I’ve been hard on myself for not coping and being grumpy, boring, bedraggled and whatever else. Sometimes I think — argh, I don’t want my kids to just remember me as a grumpy lady folding washing 24/7! But of course that’s not all of my life, it just feels like it sometimes lol. And actually — I do want them to remember that. All that boring stuff is part of family life. It’s all an act of love and just holding shit together and getting through another day. It can’t all be fun and glamorous. I have good memories of playing with my siblings, being at the beach, family holidays, and I also have memories that feel like my mum constantly vacuuming and tidying and despairing that the house wasn’t clean enough. And now I realise — that was an act of love. Wanting a clean house for our whānau. So whatever my kids remember, I don’t know, I can’t control that. I just want them to feel in their memories like they were loved.

WHO ARE YOU LISTENING TO CURRENTLY?

I’ve been enjoying Phoebe Bridgers, Lana Del Rey, Terrible Sons, Bahamas, and I listen to a lot of music while running which can be different / more intense. Kendrick Lamar, Church & AP. I also love pop music — Julia Michaels, Benee, that kind of thing. Reggae. I like all sorts.

IN THE MIDST OF ALL THAT 2020 HAS THROWN AT US, WHAT ROUTINES DO YOU LIKE TO FOLLOW TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF?

Running has been a big one for me this year. I entered the Queenstown marathon before Covid hit and just kept training for it even though for a couple of periods it seemed like it wouldn’t be able to happen. I ran it last weekend! I’m still tired from it! Ha. But having that thing in the distance to keep moving and progressing toward felt imperative for this year. It’s like I just pick up everything else in my life and carry it forward with me as I move toward that tangible physical goal. And exercise is so important for my mental health. It always has been but I didn’t always realise how much.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2021?

I have quite a bit lined up for next year already which is great, but the thing I’m most looking forward to work-wise is the album release tour. It’ll start with our Auckland Arts Festival show on March 19 — that’ll be the Auckland show — and we’ll go to the main centres and other places too. That’ll be announced early next year I think.

‘Beams’ is out now on all platforms via Loop Recordings.

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