ANNIE BROWN - 1 APR 2022

When I studied my counselling degree, one of the things I learned was how from the moment we are born we are who we are because of the people we are in relationship with. This means our sense of identity will be largely shaped by who we have around us - both in our past and in our present. Another of the things I learned was that our sense of self is one that is storied – meaning who we know ourselves to be comes into being because of the nature of the story we find ourselves in.

From that we can conclude that the nature of the story and the types of relationships we are in will shape both who we know ourselves to be and how we feel about that self. To get a personal sense of this it can be helpful to consider situations like how many people you are surrounded by right now as opposed to how many you’d prefer to be surrounded by - and how these specific people make you feel. What external events are shaping your experience as ‘you’ at the moment?

The reality of these ideas has implications for the wild and not-so-wonderful Covid landscape we have found ourselves in the last few years, and it might explain why some of us are feeling a little more lacklustre than we’re used to feeling – especially when we mightn’t have seen the concrete impact the virus itself has had on us or those around us.

So let me ask: in the past two years, in what way has the pandemic displaced people and activities that would have usually shaped and coloured your daily landscape? I would argue that it could have had more of an effect than perhaps you first realize.

Back in 2020, I had just finished summer school at university, and had started looking for work – I had a 3-4 week window before we went into lockdown. I had to live in the discomfort of firstly being nearly entirely unemployed, and secondly, applying for work when a lot of employers were busy trying to figure out how to make what they already had work amidst the new and evolving landscape of a worldwide pandemic, rather than expending too many resources employing new staff. Any interviews I had were over Zoom. I do not like Zoom. I don’t feel like myself on Zoom. I remember being close to tears during a fourth or fifth Zoom interview because I felt like who I was in real life didn’t translate onto a screen. But it was all I had to offer, so it was all I could do, because, well, Covid.

I felt like the lens I saw myself through before all that was quite different to the one I saw myself through at that point. It raised all sorts of questions: I did well at university, but was I not actually that employable? What was wrong with me? It also meant that my days were uncomfortably unproductive and quiet with a whole lot less achieving than what I had gotten used to over the previous four years. This raised questions about whether I was trying hard enough, or if I was just a lazy human who didn’t have it in her to push harder when needed. Even after I was finally offered a job after doing an in-person interview, these thoughts trailed along with me for awhile – kind of like a lingering bad smell you can’t find the source of.

Now I can see it clearly though – I wasn’t as much the problem there as I thought: it was really a story about navigating the ride of the pandemic on top of the already tricky challenge of seeking employment post university, rather than a ‘me’ story.

I’ve heard of other people who spent their lockdown alone and worked from home, and due to the initial bubble arrangements found themselves totally isolated for a good amount of that time. They weren’t able to connect face-to-face with the people they usually would and feel that warming sense you get from being around people who love you, or the sense that their presence really does do other people good: instead, they noticed themselves feeling less and less like they and their endeavours had much to offer. But that just wasn’t true – it was just that the pandemic landscape shifted what was available (and important) to them for a fair bit longer than was ideal. Like me with the way my work story shaped how I felt for a while, I wonder what of their story left its mark on them?

Can you see how one’s sense of self can change, albeit subtly, because of how Covid has changed our landscape? If we’re not careful, we miss that the pandemic is to blame and not ourselves. If we don’t pause, reflect, and even grieve the ways it has changed our sense of self and shifted our reality, warping our existing landscape by imposing on the way we usually go about life, we run the risk of making and holding onto conclusions about who we (and even others) are that just aren’t true.

Interestingly, when I learned about the idea that we are storied people – or that we make sense of ourselves in the context of the story we find ourselves in, I also learned that these stories aren’t fixed, and that’s where my role as a counsellor came in. We have control over what stories we want to corral and guide us along the way that is life. We cannot, I learned, control what unfortunate events weave in and out of our lives, but we can choose how we frame them, and moreover, make sense of ourselves in their midst.

So let’s take care out there, and go easy on ourselves and on others, and remember that the pandemic has been weird. And that is not on you.